Take Two

I've been thinking about something for a while. At first I dismissed it, thought it would be seen as a failure, as giving up. But recently I've been giving it a lot of thought, and have decided to do it.

I'm not going to be taking my exams this summer. Instead, I'm going to re-take the year. It's not ideal. I don't want to do it. I want to finish university and get on with my life. But this year has been a pretty bad year. I've struggled a lot with my depression and PTSD. My sleeping has been all over the place. When I do sleep, I'm usually plagued by nightmares. I've struggled with anxiety and have had panic attacks. My mind just has not been on my work.

If I took the exams this year, I would maybe scrape a pass. I don't want to scrape a pass. I know I am capable of much more than that. I have my heart set on the career that I want to go in to once I finish university. To go in to that career I need more than just a degree, I need a good degree. If I were to continue, I wouldn't be able to do what I want to do with my life. I don't want that. I don't want what he did to me to affect the rest of my life. I refuse to let that happen.

So, I don't see re-sitting my second year as a failure. Failure would be not being able to do the job that I want to do, because of him. Because I was too stubborn to admit that what he did to me has had a lasting effect. Instead, I'm putting my hands up and admitting it. This year has been difficult and I haven't been able to focus on university.

The process won't be easy though - the university has to approve my request. They need letters from my doctors and psychologist proving that I've hardly taken anything in. They rarely let people re-take a year, as they believe it's not fair on the other students that are taking the year for the first time. I can see their point. However, I'm still going to fight for it. I just need to prove that I wasn't capable of work this year and that I wasn't able to go to many lectures or take in all the information on the course.

So, right now I'm busy getting in touch with my doctors and psychologist, asking them to provide evidence that will hopefully persuade the university to allow me to re-sit. I have a meeting in two weeks with the powers that be to discuss everything, and then I will know.

I have also, finally, heard back from my police liason officer. My abuser will be going to the Police Case Management Hearing on the 22nd of May to put in his plea. Once that has been done, the trial (if there is a trial - which is looking more and more likely) will take place soon after that. My liason officer said I have three options as to give evidence. I can either; a) have the video statement played in court. b) Give live evidence via a video link, where I will be in a small room outside the court and would appear on a TV in the courtroom. Or c) go in to court and give evidence from the witness box, in which case I could have a screen put up so that he wouldn't be able to see me while I give evidence.

He said the decision is completely up to me. I think I will go for the last option. It's the more difficult option, but it's also the best option for the prosecution. Juries like to see the victims. And I think in the long run it will help me to heal. I'll give it some more thought, but I'm pretty sure that's what I will do.

In the meantime, while I'm deciding this, I have been asked to gather my school records and medical records. I guess to for the prosecution to show that a) I mentioned what happened to me to the school counsellor at the time (so therefore it is unlikely that I made it up, as the defense will claim) and b) to show the long-lasting impact the abuse has had on me. Again, proving that I didn't make it up.

After months of silence, it seems like things are finally progressing. My liason officer warned me that now things will happen very fast. Oh boy.

I'm dreading it, but it's something that I want to do. It's something I need to do.

I'm looking forward to when this is all over though, and I can get back to my life.