Time seems to be moving very quickly. It seems like just yesterday that I was waiting for news on when the trial will be. Now, the trial is only a week away.
I'm getting more and more anxious the closer it gets. Sleeping has become extremely difficult. I'm having horrible nightmares and often wake up several times during the night. I wake up with a start, with my heart pounding. It takes me several minutes for my breathing to go back to normal and to realise that I'm in no danger, that I'm safe in my bed. Once awake, it then takes a while for me to get back to sleep. Once I do finally manage to get back to sleep, I'm soon stuck in another nightmare and find myself waking up again. It's a never-ending cycle of nightmares, waking up and calming myself, falling back asleep and having another nightmare.
This all means that during the day, I'm absolutely exhausted.
I have a busy week this week. I've purposefully crammed as much in this week as I can, as I find that whenever I have a spare few moments, my thoughts drift to the upcoming trial. There are several things that I worry about. I worry about the defense questioning me, and making it appear as if I, at 12 years old, wanted to be abused. I'm worried that they'll twist my words, that they'll fire question after question and I'll break down on the stand. I'm worried about running in to him, even though I know ever precaution possible will be taken so that I won't see him - I come in through a different entrance, I'll remain in a different part of court that is for witnesses only, I won't even go to the cafeteria. But still, I worry. I worry that the jury won't believe me. I worry that at the last minute my case will be dropped. I worry that he will be found not guilty. I worry a lot at the minute.
I wish more than anything that my best friend was here.
So, there's a lot on my mind at the minute. I'm coping by taking each day as it comes. Today I went shopping for Christmas presents (which was quite difficult, as my best friend loved Christmas, and I loved shopping for her Christmas present). Tomorrow I'm sorting through my room and clothes, and packing up anything I don't use/want/wear. On Wednesday I'm sorting out everything that needs to be done for my Murder Mystery party - there's a surprising amount of work involved in setting it all up. On Thursday I'll be doing work for my British Sign Language class, and then go to the class in the evening. On Friday I'll be doing more work for the murder mystery party as well as going out for a friend's birthday in the evening. On Saturday I'm having my hair done and packing my bag. On Sunday I'm going down to London. And on Monday the trial starts.
Keeping busy is the key. Because if I'm not busy, my mind races with all the possible things that could go wrong next week. Unfortunately, keeping myself busy whilst surviving on very little sleep means I'm completely shattered. And that means that I'm wound up pretty tight at the minute - I'm bursting in to tears over the smallest thing. Which is very unlike me - I don't usually cry very easily. My PTSD is also pretty bad at the minute; I'm jumping and flinching at everything, I'm very anxious and afraid, and flashbacks are quite frequent at the minute.
So, emotions are running high, and energy is running low, and sleep is almost non-existent.
I will be glad when next week is over.
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