Preparing myself

I've been having a bit of a down day today.  I've done nothing I was meant to do, haven't been able to find the energy.  The past few days I've been on a bit of a high as I was keeping myself very, very busy.  But this morning when I woke up, I knew I was in a low.

I've had worse days.  I've not had any flashbacks.  I've not had any PTSD symptoms.  I just feel down.  Think I've run out of energy and my mind is saying;  'ENOUGH, you're going to go through something horrible on Monday, stop burying your head in the sand and DEAL WITH IT.  You need to prepare yourself.  Running around making yourself exhausted is not the way to go.  Figure out your emotions, walk through what will happen in your mind, prepare yourself as best as you can.  STOP PRETENDING you're okay, because you're not, you're worried.  DEAL WITH IT.'

So, today I'm dealing with it.  I'm imagining what will happen.  On Sunday we'll drive down to London.  I'll probably sleep most of the way.  When we arrive in our hotel, I'll try and make myself at home in my room.  I'm going to bring some pictures with me, because I know that after Monday, I'll want to return to a place that feels safe and familiar.  I doubt I'll get any sleep Sunday evening.

Monday, I'll have to be up bright and early.  I'll shower, get dressed, try and eat something.  Then we'll drive to the court house, where I will meet up with my Police Liaison Officer (who I have never met, as the guy that was my PLO for the duration of the investigation has retired).  I'll enter the court house through the side entrance and sit and wait in the witness area.  I'll try and read the book that I brought with me.  I'll look out the window.  I'll pace around.  I won't want to talk to anyone.  I'll try and write some (bad) poetry.  I'll keep checking the clock, until finally, I'm called to testify.

Then I will walk in to the empty courtroom, where a curtain will be put around me in the witness box.  The court room will fill up with the jury, lawyers, people in the gallery, and him.  First the prosecution will question me.  Then the defense will question me, and try to make me out to be the perpetrator  and not the victim.  I will probably break down and cry.  Once the questioning has finished, everyone will leave the court room, then I will leave the courtroom and go back to the witness area, and wait to be called up again.

In the witness room, I will probably cry a bit and be in shock from what just happened.  I will probably be very shaken.  I'll try and eat something, if I can stomach anything.  I won't want to talk to or touch anyone.  I know that will be difficult for my parents, they will want to comfort me.  But I will have just re-lived 5 years of sexual abuse, and will not want to be touched.

We will go back to our hotel.  I'll probably withdraw in to myself, as I try and process all that has happened. I'll go to my room and calm myself down.  I'll probably be exhausted so will want to sleep.  I'll need to factor food in at some point, if I can stomach it.  Then the whole thing will be repeated on Tuesday.  I will also probably be chain smoking the entire time.

Okay.

Okay.

That's not too bad.  Nowhere in my scenario will I run in to him - precautions have been made, that will not happen.  Yes, the defense will try and break me.  But I've been broken before, and I've rebuilt myself from scratch - I'm a pretty damn strong woman now, and whatever s/he says won't break me.  They are only words, s/he is only doing his/her job.  I am safe, I will not be physically attacked.  Yes, s/he will try and trip me up and make out that it was my fault that I was sexually abused.  But I can deal with that.  I'm strong.

I can do this.  I will do this.

I'm not a trusting child, or a frightened teenager.  I am a strong woman that is facing up to the demons of my past.  And I'll be damned if he ever breaks me again.